all day wednesday i felt like crying.    plus wednesday the 6th was my neice's birthday.   she died about a week before Karen was born.  Scott (Kendra's husband) is leaving and soon to iraq to possibly die in this horrible war.   Kendra and Krista are leaving this sunday to Missouri.   the questions that i was being asked about Krista made me want to cry and yet i didnt.  (at Krista's doctors appt regarding her rape.   stds tested and she had to look through a book of i guess sexual offenders.)  

Flackbacks

Her heart is pounding,
Her breathing quick.
She closes her eyes,
To keep from getting sick.
The memories flash before her eyes,
A searing pain between her thighs.
She cries to the world,
Screams her goodbyes.
When it all disappears,
A nightmare in disguise,
She realizes then,
As she takes a deep breath,
That she wants it to end.
That her wish is for death

....one of Krista's beautiful poems...more of her precious heart in a couple posts before this one

   also Ken is leaving this sunday to go work in the UP.    monday Katie is leaving for camp for a week.   i guess so many people leaving all at once.

im a bit upset at Kendra.   she decided that she will be going camping with her friends.   Ken and i werent invited.   Ken even suggested going camping or beach or cookout etc.   she gets upset if i ask what her plans are and that she doesnt want to hang out at our house and do nothing.   but yet we are i guess expected to wait for her and have no plans if we want to see our daughter.   her and Krista are suppose to go back to Missouri this sunday.   the last time we got to actually spend some time with Kendra and Scott, was sunday for breakfast.   she seems like she is constantly on the go with her friends.   she also owes Clara a gift.   i wouldnt care if she gave her anything caus love is not things or gifts.   the thing is Kendra gave everyone in our family something through the mail but not all at once.   she started it with Karen and giving her a pair of pants back in december.   then she sent Krista an ipod, Katie a guitar and Cary a guitar.   if Clara doesnt get her barbie jam guitar in about  a month, edit...   i think we'll wait until tax time..considering they need to pay their ticket.   then Ken and i will get one for her and tell her it came from Kendra.   Clara already cries way too easy and feels replaced by Karen.   i dont make her feel that way but Kendra makes a big fuss over Karen and ignores Cary and Clara.   she use to make a big fuss over Clara when she was first born.   i have to constantly reassure Clara that Kendra does love her.   Edit   i was able to talk to Kendra and i found out from her that i didnt call her enough and that the phone calls to her are free.   i will be calling her alot more and i told her while i was hugging her at the air port that i didnt call alot caus i didnt want to be a clingy mom.

speaking of Cary.   monday or tuesday, i was told by Kendra that she thinks that Cary is cutting.   i had Cary go upstairs and drop her pants.   she immediately started to cry.   her whole half of her leg has scratches/cutts.   she claims that she fell down some stairs at school.   wierd thing is some of the cutts go a wierd way and not the same way the other cuts go and also how could she hurt herself that bad when she wears pants all the time.   when i had a huge area on my leg from falling down on the side walk a few years ago  (i stepped on a patch of wet grass that my neighbor decided to put on my part of the sidewalk from their grass cuttings), it was like a burn.   i couldnt stand very long and my leg inside by the bone had to heal as well as the outside.   it stung with the fan blowing on it.   it was like a giant burn on my lower leg.   Cary never showed that kind of pain on her leg considering such a huge area was cut up.    

Ken's not in a good mood.   his work place wants him to work in the UP near wisconsin.   they knew our baby was coming home for a couple of weeks.   Ken's a good man and a hard worker.   he has a big heart and cares alot about others.   he trys to hide his feelings and heart behind the booze can.   he went to the bank to put a ton of money into the bank and he did that...($450.)   the only thing is there is a bar among many bars right next to the bank...yes you guessed it.   he went and got drunk.   he came home farely early about 9:30 at night.   he fell down outside and Scott and i had to help him up and into the house.   he also lost his cell phone   Ken is a good and wonderful man but he has a sickness called alcoholism.   some of you are prolly tired of me telling you and giving excuses for him.   i just dont believe in divorce unless he is totally done, or unfaithful or abusive.   he has done very well at not getting drunk.   about two weeks ago, he went out with some friends and stayed the night at their house after a night of partying.   before that he hadnt gotten drunk since we found out about Krista's rape.(her email of her rape and some very precious poems of her literal nightmere is on the post before this post)   we found out march 21st on a wednesday at about noon.    we both couldnt sleep and we both cried for over a week...non stop.   Ken wanted to literally kill whoever hurt our baby....again he hid his heart behind the booze can.   he didnt want to seem like he wasnt man caus of his broken heart and many tears so he went out and got drunk.   i do see him trying and i think that is what counts the most.   he went two monthes not going to the bar and getting drunk. 

i've been reading a book about LOVE and RESPECT.   i told Ken that im trying to respect him but it's not easy on 3 hours of sleep and him getting drunk.   i read in the book about respecting him even if he goes out and gets drunk.   (unconditional respect)   this is a command from God for us to respect our husbands and husbands to love their wives.(unconditional love)    is it respect when i write a post about his drinking or is it a way to let my feelings out.   a way to keep track of his drinking.   should i stop posting about his drinking...picturing everyone doing a standing ovation....lol.   i hope one day i can post that he's been sober for such  and such amount of time....God is the God of impossibilities and the God of hope.      

please pray for my baby

if you need to speak privately, let me know and i will put one person at a time on the protected

i color coded the new entry/edit for those who have not read it.  

march 24, 2007

i think this is the worst week of my life.   Kendra (my oldest daughter) finally with Krista's permission, told us what happened to Krista.   i have never felt so much pain and tears in my life as much as i have felt this week.   this is my baby that was molested when she was about 3.   i thought she had a bladder infection so i took her to the hospital and without telling me, they shoved a catheter up inside of her.   they finally let me see my baby caus she was calling out momma.   she lay strapped down on an exam table.   they basically raped her then.   i wish i had comforted her more.   she told me about 6 monthes or a year later that her cousin molested her.   then when she was about 8 or 9 she split her pants at the zoo and cried all the way home.   i wish i had comforted her more back then too.   now at age 15 she cutts (her arms) caus of her trauma as a child.   then Kendra read us this Email that she received from Krista.   we found out on wednesday the 21st

Alrighty...I feel wierd telling you all of this.   Not because Idon't trust you or anything.   It's just strange...I dunno.

Okay,so on December 23rd I went to this show on National street at an abandoned church with Ian.   It was like a punk and hip-hop show.   The music was pretty sucky, and everyone was doing cocaine and drinking and smoking weed.   I wasn't down with the drugs and stuff, so I left.   I didn't tell Ian that I was leaving, and he didn't come with me.   So I went to go walk home at about 12:00.   And then some guy called me over to his car.   I don't know why I went over to it.   I was a little drunk, but not too drunk.   But yeah... I remember him forcing me to take my pants off, and shirt.   I told him "no" several times, but he wouldn't listen.   I think he was on some kind of drug.   I dunno... he just seemed like he was.   It hurt alot.   I don't know if there was any penetration.   But it hurt alot.   I just sat there and cried.   I was too scared to do anything.   So i just cried.   I thought he was going to like murder me or something.   But after who knows how long, he just kinda pushed me out of his car and drove off.   So I walked home crying.   And that was it.   I went to Planned Parenthood I think the next day and got one pill just in case.  

I don't want to go to counseling though.   That is the worst thing ever!   I hate telling people that I don't know my business.   I can barely even say "hi" to people I don't know without feeling awkward.   Ican barely tell people tha I DO know my business (hence why I am typing you a message).   I really don't think that it would help me at all.   I just wouldn't talk to the person, or just tell her that everything's fine, etc.

Now mom and dad think that i did something bad.   They're like "so what did you do now to make Kendra so worried about you?"

please, please, please do not tell anyone!   Even if mom or someone guesses it, please just lie or something.

Ken and i went to the first counseling session without Krista.   when we got home i reminded Krista about her sessions and that she has only two next week instead of three.   she asked me why she needed to go.   i told her becaus she needs to heal.   she then told me from what.   i told her becaus ...you were raped.   she then told me that she wasnt.   first i thought maybe she made it all up.   then i knew in my heart that she was trying to escape the pain.  i then told her that she needs to talk to Kendra.   right at that moment, one of the other girls told me ...mom phone, it's Kendra.   God had Kendra call right at the perfect time.   i cant help but wonder why didnt God have perfect timing and stop the rape.   i love God but right now God is holding on to me.   i found out from Kendra that Krista is calling it a ...sexual assault... she thinks the guy didnt penetrate.   so now for some sanity for Krista, im gonna call it an... assault.   in my heart i know that bastard raped my baby.  

here's a prayer poem that i read out of a book

Dear daughter, this cup of sorrow
Must be drunk, it is for thee,
But be sure He holds the goblet
Dear daughter, ' tis He.

Hurting one, He is your Father
Saw His Son upon the cross,
Understanding pain and parting
Knows so well your loss.

Bruised was He but never broken,
Dim the flax burns in the storm,
He will strengthen you with power
He will lead you home.

beloved child
joy and pride we have in thee,
"Father, hear this mother's heartbeat
cradle her for me.  

"Cradle her for me; cradle her for me,
Father, hear this mother's heartbeat,
Cradle her for me!"  

edit... she made out a police report friday.   i tried doing the report without her but the police wouldnt do it.   i tried not to make it so confrontational, so i took her to our neighborhood watch teem.   i talked to Lori the day before and her and i were to come over there the next day.   the police came there instead our house or us going to the police station.   i had to bribe her though.   she asked me if she could use the food card.   i told her yes.   i asked her if she wanted me to stay or leave.   i'll have to ask Lori how it went on monday. 

  Krista's suppose to go to Missouri this coming week to see Kendra.   the only thing is she will be the only girl with two guy friends.   (Katie doenst want to go.)   i trust the guys and i know that if Kendra found out that they hurt her baby sister, she would go awal and kill them after her dad was done with them.   they are respected people and Katie even calls one of them her brother and he calls Katie his sister.   Krista just isnt that close to them.   i wish i could find another girl to go with them so Krista doesnt feel wierd.   Krista will be able to see and hug her big sister and go to the clinic and get an std test done.   Kendra said that there is a church there too.   i feel that there is healing in this.   i feel like a bad mother to send my daughter in a car with two guys after she was raped by a guy in his car.   i will be talking to Kendra and asking her oppinion caus these two guys are like her best friends.   otherwise they wouldnt be driving down there in the first place.   maybe Kendra can reassure Krista or maybe she can come up with a better plan.  

being a mother is frustrating do we over protect.   when Krista went out that night of her rape, i was told that they were going to a    " christmas party at a church".....the church was burnt down and converted into a house where the party was of drugs and alcohol.

these are the poems that Krista wrote in early january.   they were on her myspace and my oldest Kendra suspected something was wrong back then.   i had to edit some caus of her language and her angry words.

Hidden Scars
Current mood: indescribable

The scars on the outside will fade, but the scars on the inside will always remain. The scars on the inside are what I call "hidden scars." I have hidden scars from my head to my toes. They will never go away. Because of him, and because of them, they will remain with me and within my body for the rest of my life. I was nobody; nothing to him, nothing to them. Just a toy. Everyone is out there for themsleves. This world is a cruel, unfair place, my friends.

So I have found out that the oh-so-exciting (note the sarcasm) family party is not in fact on Friday. It is Saturday. I'm not sure which is worse.

I am getting so f...... sick of this! I can't sleep anymore. Even with 3 or 4 sleeping pills I can't seem to get to sleep! And when I finally DO fall asleep, I wake up a couple hours later, crying, with the same f...... nightmare as the night before, and the night before that. This is just getting ridiculous.   i bought sleeping pills that were non adictive and they were actually safe for Clara to take a half a one.   Clara (age 8 at the time) still couldnt get to sleep the night before christmas.   maybe this was a good thing caus some of this poetry sounds suicidal.   maybe God was protecting Krista caus i usually have regular store bought sleeping pills caus i have trouble sleeping.   i figure those are safe for Krista caus she is 15 and she wants to sleep so she does well in school.  

I can't seem to get away from it. I can't slice the pain out, I can't cry it all out, I can't drink it all away, I just can't do anything. I don't even think that if you did care that you could help me. I am alone to deal with all of this. Alone and defenseless.

I don't have a grip on anything anymore.

So anyways, today I wasn't feeling too grand...and I decided that maybe writing would make me feel better. So here are a couple poems. I don't want any comments on them though, please. I would just like to share them.

Produced

The sick, sad producer
Produced her.
Made her into what she is today.
Turned her into
What she hates today.
The sick, sad producer
Produced her
Today.
Took out the good,
Put in the bad.
Stole the innocence,
Kept the voice.
The sick, sad producer
Produced the product.
Cold as ice;
Heartless,
With no emotions.
Dead to the world.
Just like her cries.
The sick, sad producer
Produced
The product,
Which is now called me.
Cold as ice,
Heart black as night,
Scared and scarred
For life.
The sick, sad producer
Produced
Me.
Made me what I am today.
Turned me into what I hate today.
I wonder how many more
He
Produced.

So yeah...here's another one...

Fatal Slice

You can't see me.
You can't see my pain.
I cover it with a pretty smile,
I cover my ugly soul.
You don't understand,
No one does.
I close my eyes,
I see his face.
I smell his breath, his rancid breath.
I taste him, and I feel his hands.
They grope me every night.
My lungs fill with fear, hatred and anger.
I want him to pay.
I want him to suffer for what he has done.
Nothing can save me from this hell.
Ever since that night
I've wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.
To never feel pain or this shame I bear.
I just don't want to feel.
All I want to be is numb.
My soul is screaming,
My heart pounds.
I can feel him.
My stomach lurches.
I spew all evil.
Why me? Why this torture?
The razor calls to me.
It wants me to numb my pain.
It wants me to bleed.
I let it win again.
Pain and anger have triumphed.
My soul is free at last.
A dove flies as the blood flows.
My life ends with one fatal slice.

Thanks to whoever may have read all of this.

please pray for Krista

(the good side is... the last time he had gotten drunk was about a month and a half ago)

yesterday, Ken went to buy a florescent light bulb for the bathroom.   he left about 11 am and i called his cell phone about 6:30pm.   he was at his friend's house drinking beer.   later about 11pm i received a phone call.   a guy from the bar was trying to send Ken home in a cab.   then someone was gonna drive him home.   Ken got in his own car and drove home.   he doesnt remember driving home and now today he has a headache.   Clara was a bit scared last night, so she crawled in bed with me.   he started talking about grabbing his gun (they are unloaded) and wanted to shoot someone caus they were trying to burn our house down.   i had to calm him down and tell him that no body was outside.   he finally calmed down and Clara ran upstairs.   i stuck my ear plugs in and took my sleeping pill.   i still couldnt sleep caus im so worried about Krista.  

please pray for Krista.   Kendra called me about a week ago and told me that i need to get Krista some counseling.   i kept asking Kendra what did she do.   Kendra told me that she didnt do anything but that something horrible happened to her and she cant tell me caus then Krista wont trust Kendra with any more secrets.   i keep thinking that possibly Krista might of been raped.   Kendra saw on Krista's myspace of something that she didnt say it right out.   Kendra asked Krista about it.   (she had to bribe her)   Ken and i  asked Katie if she still has a myspace and is she able to go to Krista's.   we saw what Krista wrote and it hints about rape.   i told my sister before about what Kendra said that something horrible happened to Krista and she needs help.   my sister guessed the same thing i guessed and that was before i or even my sister had even seen her myspace.   i questioned Krista a couple times and told her that if she was that it is not her fault.   Ken thought maybe he might of done something to her while he was drunk.   i definitely know that he didnt caus Krista has her baby sister Clara sleep in the bed with her at night.   i questioned Clara caus i dont want to be a mom that says that ...my husband wouldnt do that...Clara said that her dad didnt do anything to Krista.   i know Ken wouldnt do something like that anyways caus when i first met him, (21 years ago) i was taking care of my nephew that was almost beaten to death.   Ken's love and compassion for people and children is what made me fall in love with him in the first place.   but like i said i dont want to be a mom that says ..my husband wouldnt do that...   im so worried and i find myself crying alot over Krista.   i reassured Ken that he didnt caus Kendra told me that Krista doesnt want me to know, caus then i wont let her go out any where.   i told Kendra that i cant stop her caus she hopped our fence twice....Kendra started laughing.   Ken wants to kill whoever hurt his baby.  we keep telling her this.   hopefully it lets her know how much she is loved caus she already told me that she doesnt want to go to counseling.   i dont know what happened to Krista.   all i can pray for is the wall to come down that separates Krista from me.   i wish she could put her trust and faith in God.   i find myself falling away and giving up on God.   all i can pray right now is for God to hold on to me.   if something happened to Krista, i find myself questioning God of why He let this happen.   God understands my broken heart so He is right now holding the pieces in His hands.   i just want to cry on Krista's shoulder but she wont let me.   im gonna have to cry on God's shoulder instead.     

last night after the hockey game, Greg and Becky wanted to go to the bar....i hate bars.   the cigarette smoke chokes me and Ken drinks way too much.   i could tell that he was tempted to go.   he even asked them where they were going to.   he could of had a ride there and prolly a ride back to their house...(i told him that if he gets drunk...dont come home)   Ken decided that it was too far away and so he didnt go.